Lounging in an ambient cafe with a hot cup of joe, chatting with a cherished friend—who can resist? Time flies as we share news of family and friends, swap stories of the hustle and bustle of life, and sometimes even touch on deeply held philosophies. Such pleasant conversation can evoke a sense of quaint nostalgia. Could such sentiment be a longing to return to a simpler time?
Have we reached a time when we seldom truly talk to each other but simply entertain one another, and rather than exchange ideas, we exchange images1? Mark Twain may have said it best, “Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.”
The question begs: “What is conversation, and how do we move from simply communicating to having those sought-out real conversations?” Or, should we first consider what “real” conversation is not? The 18th-century writer Samuel Johnson had this to say, “We had talk enough but no conversation; there was nothing discussed2.”
When I think of ‘nothing discussed,’ chitchat comes to mind. But oh, how I have longed for the ability to chitchat—that light, casual exchange that plays such an important role in society.
Healthy interaction seems to rest on three elements: engaging communication, casual talk, and real conversation. Communication, of course, is foundational; any relationship without it is a sad affair. As for light and casual conversation, we cannot have in-depth interactions with everyone we meet—we would accomplish little! And as for real conversations, we rarely arrive there without first passing through communication or casual talk.
Of these three, if anything is missing in our lives, it is likely “real” conversation. But again, what is real conversation, and why is it so important? Perhaps there is no better place to begin than by listening to what others have said.
Here are a few thoughts…
“A real conversation always contains an invitation. You are inviting another person to reveal herself or himself to you, to tell you who they are or what they want.” ― David Whyte
“It’s no company at all, when people know nothing and say nothing,’ she muttered.” ― Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights
“Surely only boring people went in for conversations consisting of questions and answers. The art of true conversation consisted in the play of minds. ― Ved Mehta, All For Love
“Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee and just as hard to sleep after.” ― Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea
And, finally…
“The art of conversation is the art of hearing as well as of being heard.” ― William Hazlitt, Selected Essays
These expressions of real conversation are insightful. To see conversation as an invitation to another is especially compelling. And practicing the art of hearing remains a challenge for many of us.
For another perspective on real conversation, I have hanging over my fireplace a rustic country sign that reads: Sit Long ❤️ Talk Much. A fixture in my home for over 20 years, this sign represents a sentiment I have long embraced.
But somewhere along the way, busyness took center stage. “Sit Long” became collapsing at the end of the day, and “Talk Much” became mere communication rather than meaningful exchange. This did not transpire overnight but gradually over time. Not to say that those years were not amazing. They were! I loved them, and I would do them all over again. But if I did experience those years anew, I hope I would not lose sight of the value of conversation across the many relationships in my life.
The reason Sit Long, Talk Much still hangs over my fireplace may be the same reason I have embraced a new favorite word: kaffeeklatsch. I discovered it quite by accident while reading a medical book, of all things. Of German origin, it refers to an informal gathering for coffee and conversation.
Why do these phrases and words resonate so much with me? They take me back to another time, such as when a song brings back sentimental memories. A time when I most cherished coffee and conversation. A time when I was hemmed in on all sides by a chronic illness with unfathomable fatigue. Coffee greeted me in the morning and kept me awake throughout the day. I was too tired to do much of anything beyond struggling through work and caring for my family. But I cherished every loved one, every friend, every soul who would sit down with me for a cup of coffee, a long conversation, a “real” conversation.
Over time, though I never lost my love of coffee, a healed body and an active life with aging children changed the dynamic of time I made for long, real conversations. But I never stopped missing it—hearing the stories and reflections of those surrounding me.
As my life has slowed, I am on a journey of rediscovery of real and true conversation with dear friends and family who, whether they know it or not, are helping me along the way. And as I slow down and reflect, I find joy in putting pen to paper, capturing my sentiments, thoughts, and ideas.
Posted Dec. 19, 2022
Join me at My Blog for slow reading, reflections & unhurried thoughts.
For more from kaffeeclatsch | coffee & conversation, subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.